Ten Worst Fashion Abuses

---Broken Brain---

I am an amateur.  If you want top-tier douchebag lampooning, go read the works of DB1 at Hot Chicks with Douchebags.

That said, it seems to my beady little eyes that "fashion" is in a death-spiral.  It's like guys are running around trying as hard as they can to look like total cockswine.  I see people every day dressed in ways that are not OK, and here are the ten most not OK things of them all.

11.)  Camouflage

Oh my God, look, that guy is just a head floating in air!  Are you wearing that so that you can sneak up on the drunk girls, like some sort of date-raping sniper?

10.)  Underarmor in any non-workout capacity

If you're wearing Underarmor, and you're not on your way to work out or play some sport or do something else that's very strenuous, you're being a tool.  Quit it.  And yeah, I see you looking in the mirror, trying to look like you're not staring at your own pecks.  We all see you.  All you're doing is increasing the membership at the all-women's gym.

9.)  Old guys in printed tshirts

I saw a guy that had to be fifty in an Abercrombie and Fitch shirt recently.  It was damned ridiculous, and so I'm proposing this rule: if you can't reasonably pass as either under 30 years old or as a rock star (or roadie), you don't get to wear graphic/printed shirts anymore.  It sucks, I know, but tough shit.  Exceptions: you can wear a shirt with the name of your college (or your child's college) in casual settings, and you can wear shirts for your sports teams on the weekend or at the game.

8.)  Visors

You paid full price for half a hat, dickweed. Are you worried that you're going to somehow need access to the top of your head, but won't be able to take off the hat?  You don't want the sun in your eyes, but can't stand the thought of others missing out on the glory of your artfully tousled bleached tips?  Or maybe you're dealing blackjack in 1973?

7.)  Black shirts with "clever" things in white type/Harley Davidson Shirts/Movie Quote shirts

I already don't underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups, Harley Davidsons haven't been cool since the mid-nineties when old rich guys started buying them, and "flippin' sweet" wasn't funny when John Heder said it, and it sure as shit isn't funny stretched across your man-tits.

6.)  Captain Tightpants

I get it, tight pants are coming back with the hipsters.  That's kind of OK, I guess.  There are limits to this, though.  Strict limits.  If your bulge is showing, it's not OK unless you've got a wang so mammoth that you can't help it.  If I can pick out particular parts of your bulge, then I get to punch it.  Seriously.  Also: if you're wearing tight pants, don't have shit in your pockets.  It looks ridiculous.

5.)  Ass-Words

This is the only one of these that is specific to girls, because I don't know anything about girl fashion.  This, however, can't go unsaid: if you have the word 'Juicy' written across your ass, you look like a cheap whore.  You all know what I'm talking about.  Even when the words are a college name or something, it all says the same thing, "stare at my ass, please, it might help with my daddy issues."  If you want to be judged (and you are being judged) that way, fine.  But, for the love of whatever you love, please, please quit putting these things on your small children.  You're turning your little girls into tiny objects of misogyny.

4.)  Mesh shirts on guys who aren't in a gay bar

I just. . . . . well. . . . yeah.  Stop.  Please stop.

3.)  Faux-vintage = Faux-cool

Look, fucker.  You, in the new t-shirt that's made to look old, wearing the pre-aged hat.  You're a jackass.  Not only are you not fooling anyone, you're bringing down the relative value of people who have clothes that actually are cool.  Mind you: I don't wear vintage clothes (I wear only tuxedos or silk pajamas), but I appreciate their plight when they're accused of wearing faux-vintage, and they're really just wearing their really old Motörhead shirt.  They can't protest without sounding like a whiny old punk-rocker ("no, seriously, I did this before it was cool!"). Sometimes fashion has to be earned.  Deal.

2.)  Shirts that indicate alcohol consumption

Whether it be boasts about tolerance, overindulgence, or just advertising your preferred brand of spirits, it's not OK.  I don't give a shit about the fact that you may well have graduated with a 4.0 BAC, the relationship between the fourth tequila and the floor, or the fact that you enjoy Corona (which, as an aside, any beer that requires a piece of fruit to enjoy it fully should only be drank in a foreign country, such as the Conch Republic or Canada).  And the Guinness shirt doesn't make you look alternative or hip, it just lets everyone know that you're a tool.  Which is actually convenient.  I'm looking at you here, Preston.

1.)  Popped Collars

Look at yourself right now.  Is your collar popped?  If yes, then fuck you.  You are a douchebag.  Go back to the frat-house and talk about how much lite keg beer you can drink.

Comments

[Your Sister]

Isn't this old? It feels old. I think it's old. I believe I remember "date-raping sniper" because when I last encountered one I was not yet armed with the proper phrase to identify him and, thus, things ended badly. Okay, back to my regularly-scheduled life-creatin' and awesomeness.

[Wang]

If you think that it is okay to be wearing "tight pants" in moderation, then you have no right to comment on what makes someone look like a douche.

[Preston Mantooth]

You're right; we have absolutely no right to comment on what makes someone look like a douche.
Like bad grammar for instance.
"it is okay to be wearing tight pants" is the kind of English that comes from countries where it's incredibly expensive, dangerous, and illegal to get "super cool" tight American jeans into said country. Also these countries are generally swimming with guys wearing mesh shirts on a regular basis.
You sir probably look like, and defiantly type like, a douche.
Shame on us!

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