Ten Things Even Your Lazy Ass Can Do To Save My Environment

---Broken Brain---

Ok, so I guess some people didn't get that my Earth Day post was a joke.  I can dig that.  Anyway, we've been working toward adding some posts of a (vaguely) more serious nature to the site, and since conservation is something that's often on my mind, I figured I'd start here.  Conservation doesn't have to mean sacrifice, at least not at first.  We're a ridiculously wasteful society (I include myself here), and we've got a lot of low-hanging fruit that we can go after to conserve energy just by thinking about it the right way, without spending a lot of extra money or even doing without.  Here are ten of those relatively easy things that you might not have considered, presented in a slightly more angry tone than might be strictly warranted.

11.)  Turn Off your Fucking Computer

Look, I make my living on the internet.  I understand the urge to have your computer on all the time.  It's kinda like a less gross umbilical cord of knowledge (lies) and porn (wait, maybe it is as gross).  The problem with this is that it uses a fuckton of electricity (especially in summer, when it's a big honking heat source in your air-conditioned home), and leaving it on overnight is just stupid (unless you're leaving it to run some process or something).  Just wanting to not have to turn it on in the morning is not a good reason.  In fact, it's a bad reason.  Turn it off, you lazy impatient asshole.

10.)  Fill your Fridge with Water (or Beer)

Your fridge is full of cool air.  When you open the door, the cool air falls out, because it's most likely heavier than the air in your home (otherwise why aren't you just keeping your beer on the counter?  What the hell is wrong with you people?).  Then, you shut the door, and the appliance uses a ton of electricity to cool the air that's in there now.  The simple solution is to eliminate as much of the air as you can.  If your fridge is full of water or beer, that will stay in the fridge when you get out your daily wheel of cheese, keeping it cool in there, reducing your power use.

9.)  Eat Less Meat

I don't say this for the sake of the animals.  I don't have a problem with murdering and eating the flesh of my friends, much less cows.  My reason for this is that producing and transporting meat uses huge ridiculous nonsensical amounts of energy.  If we all cut back just some, maybe a meal or two a week, we can make a real dent in the amount of energy used by agriculture.  Plus, if you're a little less of a fatass, you'll get better gas mileage.  Speaking of how your fat ass eats:

8.)  Eat Local

See how I did that, with the segue?  That kinda shit is why I make the big money.  This one's great because it not only hurts the huge evil oil companies, but the huge evil food companies, too.  Local food is tastier, fresher, and it doesn't require nearly so much energy to transport it.  Also, you get to be all uppity and bourgeois about it.

7.)  Plan Before Driving

Cut down on  your driving by doing something that will seem very unfamiliar and scary: thinking.  Figure out the shortest distance to get your errands done, and do them that way.  Also, try to get all of your errands done at the same time.  And take friends if you can (and if you have any), so that you can all do everything all at once.  The less gas you use, the less I want to kick your ass.

6.)  Change Your Thermostat

Don't be such a pussy.  Put on a little more clothing in the winter, and maybe take a little clothing off in the summer.  Just a few degrees can make a pretty big difference.  And if you're an attractive woman, you should always be naked at home in the warm months.  With the blinds open.  You know, to save electricity.  And while we're changing thermostats:

5.)  Cool off Your Hot Water

Most water heaters have thermostats on them, and most people set theirs too high.  If you turn it down to 120 degrees or so, you'll use a lot less energy heating water, and you most likely won't ever notice a difference except for how far you turn the knobs in the shower.  And quit turning your knobs so much in the shower, by the way.  You'll go blind.  While we're on the subject of hot wet nudity:

4.)  Try "Navy Showers"

My dad was in the Navy, and he always told us to do this.  Why he was in the room while we were showering is something that I'll not get into, but it's good advice.  Just turn off the water while you're soaping up.  You'll use way less water that way (and the energy that heats it), without really giving anything up. 

3.)  Walk to the Store Once in a Damned While

I totally understand that this isn't possible for everyone.  I hate living too far from the store to walk.  What bugs me more is people who live really close to something that they do often (the store, school, a restaurant, work, etc.) and never hoof it.  Come on, do you really need your Explorer to transport a gallon of milk a half-mile?  Speaking of your big stupid SUV:

2.)  Drive More Patiently

Changing to a more efficient car is awesome.  We can't all do that, though.  Cars cost money, and most of us have none, what with the price of gin going up.  What you can change is your habits, and that can make a pretty big fucking difference (even without going the way of the loonier hypermilers).  Don't gun it at green lights.  Take your foot off of the gas further away from where you're going to have to stop.  Don't follow so closely.  Use cruise control.  Slow down a little on long trips (you'll seriously only add a few minutes to the trip).  If you chill out behind the wheel, you'll get a huge boost to gas mileage, which means you have more money.  You'll also find that you enjoy driving a lot more if you stress less, which means more happiness.  It's win-win.

1.)  Think Differently

Ok, this one's kind of hard to do, but it doesn't require a lot of work, really.  You just need to start thinking about conserving energy.  You'll find, as I did, that there are lots of places where you can save a lot of energy without doing any more work and without giving anything up at all.  I like to think of it as a sort of game or puzzle, and it gives me a lot of satisfaction to find ways to save electricity or gas.  If you start consciously deciding to reconsider how you do things, it'll soon become automatic to look at these things from that perspective, and you'll be saving lots of money and doing good for my environment.  You fuckwad.

Comments

[SoIsYourFace]

great list!

Also... you could...

use vinegar to clean.
try to not use a ton of paper napkins at food establishments (or in general).
try to use only one paper towel in bathrooms, or use the dryer instead.
use fluorescent light bulbs.
use cloth bags over plastic. if you forget your cloth bags (which I often do) try not using a bag at all. or try to bag them when you have access to your cloth bags.
use cloth diapers.
bring food containers/utensils/cups/glasses to work.

[GnomeIsMe]

http://www.seql.org/100ways.cfm

[Entity]

Another, less savory thought for most women:

Use cloth (i.e. washable, reuasable) feminine products. The amount of garbage and waste flushed or trucked to the dump can be up to 5000 pads and tampons in a woman's lifetime. That's fucking ridiculous and unecessary.

Not to mention the amount of toxins resulting from the bleaching processes of said products prior to purchase and use, many of which are harmful and cause heavier bleeding (which results in more wasteful feminine product use).

I got my period politics all over your blag. nyaa.