---Broken Brain---
The nineties was a pretty good decade for me. Sure, I spent most of it getting an idea of just how much joy the Universe would spend shitting on me in future years, but I hadn't yet learned how to give a damn about the future, so I had a great deal of fun. I also spent it watching these guys and learning important life lessons. Like how to fire a pistol when your trigger finger has just been torn off with a corkscrew.
11.) Sam - Ronin (1998) - Robert De Niro
De Niro is, of course, the poster child for badassery. In this flick he plays some guy working for someone stealing something. Vagueness is the friend of the serious badass. He also does some pretty spectacular driving, which I understand was actually taken from film of him driving to work. He also does a spectacular amount of not flinching. The final straw? He cuts a bullet out of himself, which I suspect I could not do (despite my extensive training).
Badass Line: "I once removed a guy's appendix with a grapefruit spoon."
10.) El Mariachi - Desperado (1995) - Antonio Banderas
The tagline to Robert Rodriguez's breakout movie is "He came back to settle the score with someone. Anyone. EVERYONE." Seriously. And that pretty much sums up the movie perfectly. It's the second movie of a trilogy, and the main character doesn't even have a name. There's no need. After the scene where Quentin Tarentino tells a joke, this movie has about two minutes where El Mariachi wasn't either shooting someone or fucking Salma Hayek, which is how any true badass should spend his time.
Badass Line: Wait. . . . was that movie even in English?
9.) Doc Holiday - Tombstone (1993) - Val Kilmer
He's dying, but that doesn't slow down his badassery at all. He
talks class-A smack to anyone and everyone, and occasionally shoots
them. Iceman managed to make his Doc Holiday the only Doc Holiday that
anyone remembers in a decade with far too many Docs of all kinds. He also managed to
overshadow Snake Motherfucking Plissken playing Wyatt Fucking Earp.
Even Sam Elliot, whose left toe is more badass than everyone you've
ever known put together, looks less than completely hardcore next to
Doc. He'll be your motherfucking Huckleberry.
Badass Line: "Look, darlin', it's Johnny Ringo. Deadliest pistolier since Wild Bill, they say. What do you think, darlin', should I hate him?"
8.) Martin Q. Blank - Grosse Pointe Blank (1997) - John Cusack
Who says you can't be neurotic and a badass at the same time? Rule of thumb: if you kill an international assassin at your high school reunion with a pen, you're a badass.
Badass Line: "Hi, I'm Martin Blank, you remember me? I'm not married, I don't have any kids, and I'd blow your head off if someone paid me enough."
7.) Porter - Payback (1999) - Mel Gibson
There's not a huge gap between Porter and your average sociopath, but he's really just a stand-up guy who takes good care of hookers and only wants his money back (70 grand, not 130). In an effort to get what's his, he takes down the city's dominant crime organization one corpse at a time through sheer power of being underestimated.
Badass Line: "We made a deal; if she'd stop hookin', I'd stop shooting people. Maybe we were aiming high."
6.) Samuel L. Jackson - Nineties Movie (1990's) - Samuel L. Jackson
Sam Jackson has been in a lot of movies. Fortunately for us listmakers, he's only ever played one character: Sam Jackson. That's not a bad thing. Nobody plays Sam Jackson as well as Sam Jackson does, and Sam Jackson is one hellova badass character.
Badass Line: "Ezekiel 25:17. The Path of the Righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of Charity and Goodwill, shepherds the weak through the Valley of Darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children, and I will strike down upon thee with Great Vengeance and Furious Anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brother, and you will know My Name is the Lord when I lay My Vengeance upon thee." Yes, I did that from memory.
5.) Thomas Beckett - Sniper (1993) - Tom Berenger
You remember that movie Shooter? That was a pretty badass flick, and Tom Berenger has taken pisses that involved more insane sniper excitement than it. He killed 13 people while making this movie. Then he shot a gaffer, just because 13 is an unlucky number and "gaffer" is a funny word.
Badass Line: "One shot. One kill. No exceptions."
4.) LeeLoo - The Fifth Element (1997) - Mila Jovavich
She's cute, and vulnerable, and intensely sexy, and she will put her fist right through your fucking lung if you give her a reason. My kinda girl.
Badass Line: "Me fifth element - supreme being. Me protect you."
3.) The Brothers McManus - The Boondock Saints (1999) - Sean Patrick Flanery and Norman Reedus
He was chained to a toilet, so the obvious response was to rip it out of the wall and kill a Russian gangster with it, right? From there you might as well quit your job at the meat packing plant and run around executing mobsters, right? This is the logic of a complete badass.
Badass Line: "One day you will look behind you and you will see we three. And on that day, you will reap it, and we will send you to whatever god you wish."
2.) Ash - Army of Darkness (1993) - Bruce Campbell
He. Has. A. Chainsaw. For. A. Hand.
Badass Line: "Ok you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This... is my boomstick! The 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?"
1.) John McClane - Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990), Die Hard: With a Vengeance (1995) - Bruce Willis
If you feel that I somehow need to explain or justify this choice, then you need to go buy these movies and grow a set, commie.
Badass Line: I refuse on principle to choose one, because everything that John McClane has ever said was more badass than every other thing that John McClane ever said.
Honorable Mention:
John Patrick Mason - The Rock (1996) - Sean Connery: "Your best? Losers always whine about 'their best.' Winners go home and fuck the prom queen." The Nineties were not the best for Sean Connery, the thinking man's stalkee (huh?). He made a few killer movies, but for the most part the decade was a bit of a lull in this glorious career.
Bruce Lee - Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story (1993) - Jason Scott Lee/William Wallace - Braveheart (1995) - Mel Gibson: You really only get partial credit for playing a badass if the guy you're playing was a real guy. Good movie, well done, not quite good enough for the list.
Korben Dallas - The Fifth Element (1997) - Bruce Willis: See Bruce Lee: I tried to keep real people off of the list.
Bill Munny - The Unforgiven - Clint Eastwood: This would have made it had Clint Eastwood not lost all badass credentials in his later years by making shit like "the Bridges of Whatever-the-Fuck."
I just gotta point out that the baddassery from the eightys carries Clint through every romantic comedy he ever made. He could do the Care Bears and still be a bad ass. Unforgiven is the jewel in his baddass crown.
Posted by: TheForce | June 03, 2008 at 04:13 PM
Dude?! No Jean Reno - Leon/The Professional (1994) - Leon: Martin Blank Wouldn't exist if it weren't for this guy. Did you fall asleep though all of 1994? Seriously, what the fuck Brain? I know you said no real people but damnit.
Badass Line: Mathilda: Leon, what exactly do you do for a living?
Léon: Cleaner.
Mathilda: You mean you're a hit man?
Léon: Yeah.
Mathilda: Cool.
Posted by: Preston Mantooth | June 05, 2008 at 12:09 AM