These Go To Eleven: The Ten Best Movies of 2007

---Broken Brain---

Iron Man came out this weekend. This is probably the early beginning of the summer movie season, which means that it's time to look back on last year. It's kind of like an awards show, only I choose movies that are actually good. I'm a rebel that way.

Last year was a great one for movies; 2007 dropped some of the best movies of all time right on my face. Which is good, because it kicked me in the nuts with some of the worst. I mean, come on: black spooge from space is the Venom story you're using? Pfft.

Fortunately, the following Top Ten Best Movies of 2007 is based on the best origin story ever: me writing it. Admittedly, I haven't seen every movie that came out in 2007. Not even close. That doesn't matter. I'm right, you're wrong (unless you agree), and these are the Ten Best Movies of 2007:

Warning: Possible Spoilers ahead. But they're for movies from last year, so it's totally OK.

11.) Stardust

This slot probably would have gone to the Kingdom if not for three things: Stardust is my favorite book, Claire Danes is too hot for human language to describe, and De Niro's happy corset dance was among the funniest movie scenes of the year.

10.) The Bourne Ultimatum

Struck the perfect balance between the first two movies, without losing any of the marvelous ass-kickery. We left the theater talking about how we need to start working out all the time to get into ninja condition (or as close as we can get).

9.) Transformers

After nearly two years of waiting, this totally delivered. Exactly what I was hoping for, with the added bonus of Megan Fox's unspeakable hottitude. A woman that sexy fixing a car? Not fair.

8.) The Nines

I actually just saw this one recently, and it absolutely blew me away. If you ever like to think (which I assume most of our readers do not), you should give this one a rent. Plus, Ryan Reynolds can make almost anything good.

7.) Superbad

While it is quickly becoming one of those movies that people quote so much that I have to punch them in the neck, this did make my belly hurt laughing.

6.) Live Free or Die Hard

John. McCain.

5.) Hot Fuzz

Apparently this movie wasn't very good if you saw the trailers that they started playing after it came out. They gave everything away. If you didn't know it was coming, though, the last half-hour of this movie (everything from the moment he kicked that old bitch in the fucking mouth) is possibly the funniest half-hour of movie ever. I seriously almost had to leave the theater because I couldn't breathe.

4.) Black Snake Moan

I expected sleazy, creepy, art-house crap. I got Samuel L. at his best, wicked blues music, and a startlingly good show from Justin Timberlake (of all people). A cross-over actor hasn't surprised me like that since the Rock. Add in a mostly-nude Christina Ricci? Sold.

3.) Eastern Promises

Despite the fact that Viggo Mortensen's balls kept staring at me through that entire shower scene, this movie is pretty seriously badass. The Russian mob will kill you very dead for wearing those star tattoos without earning them: when are they going to start applying this rule to emo kids?

2.) Smokin' Aces

The cast of this movie was absolutely mindshattering, but they still ran the risk of being overshadowed by the movie itself. I mean, a guy sat on a chainsaw. Alicia Keyes was so hot in this movie that I actually lost about 20 IQ points (which I could ill afford), and even she was just a small part of what is probably the best movie cast in decades. The New Yorker's review of the movie, by David Denby, probably summed it up best:

"'Smokin’ Aces' has a rabid, itchy, crack-den heartlessness to it—screw-you nihilism as a joke. . . The movie is a scuzz-bag jamboree. . . . When Carnahan tries to tug at our emotions, he just com-pounds the whorish insensitivity of the movie."

He was actually giving the movie a really, really bad review. Or so he thought.

1.) 300

This movie is seriously so good that we're making an entire list devoted to it. Perfect.

Honorable Mention:

The Kingdom - The only thing that disappointed me about this movie was how little Jeremy Piven was in it. Jason Bateman is at the top of his game, which says a whole lot. And no, they don't just give that Blue Ribbon away.

Knocked Up - This apparent chick-flick was unexpectedly a solidly funny movie. It also seems to have helped to kick-start Seth Rogan's career as a leading comic actor, which is excellent in my eyes.

1408 - Cusack pretty much always delivers, and this is no exception. Very good horror flick.

Shoot 'Em Up - Bugs Bunny turns hard-core. Sort of a can't-miss formula. The Wagner ringtone? Brilliant.

The Number 23 - Paying to see anything with Jim Carrey makes me nervous, but this one was good. Not superb, but good.

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