The Only Ten Groups that are Allowed to Wear Beards Longer than Two Inches

---Broken Brain---

This is it.  All of them.  If you don't fall into one of these categories, and you're rocking the three-inch beard, you need to trim that shit.  Look, I know, it's painful to accept.  I once wore my beard down to mid-chest.  I thought that it was OK to do that.  I was wrong.  Dreadfully, painfully wrong, and so is your beard.  Go, deal with this now.  It'll be better this way, I promise.  We'll give you a moment alone with your gross-ass face-raccoon to say goodbye.  Then we're cutting it off like Kelsey Grammar right before he drives home.

11.)  Prisoners

So, which joke do I go with here: Guantanamo Bay, or the Wizard of Id?  I'll go with Id, because it gets more ink in newspapers.  If you're hanging from chains for years without trial in a dank torture chamber, it's OK to let your beard do as it will.  Hey, wait, turns out I didn't have to choose after all!

10.)  Pirates, Chuck Norris, Rick Astley

Normally we refuse to acknowledge internet memes on this site.  However, Pirates clearly need to be on here.  So does Chuck Norris (you wanna try to trim his beard?).  Rick Astley just rounds the group out, I think.

9.)  Religious Fundamentalists

Be it an Orthodox Rabbi, a Mullah, a Guru on a mountaintop, or the Amish (who just don't have anywhere to plug their beard trimmers in), it's only right that those who devote themselves to something that most Westerners cannot understand have facial hair that most Westerners don't get to wear.

8.)  ZZ Top

ZZ Top is lookin' sharp and lookin' for love, 'cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.

7.)  The Homeless

Hasn't American society and economic policy fucked these people enough?  Do we really need to start dictating fashion limitations to them too?  I think not.

6.)  Samurai/Kung Fu Masters

Like some Religious Fundamentalists and ZZ Top, Kung Fu Masters living in the remotest parts of the world waiting to train people to kick ass certainly get to do with their facial hair as they will.  I'm also always hesitant to try to apply any sort of rules to Samurai, as they seem to apply enough to themselves for all of us.

5.)  The Insane

Whether you're an eccentric millionaire, a mad scientist, or just a normal crazy guy, if rocking the crazy beard is part of the crazy package that you're going with, then by all means don't let anyone try to hand you clippers.  Unless you intend to do something crazy with them, like eat a banana.

4.)  Civil War Generals

Ulysses S. Grant called.  He said something about wanting you to burn everything from Atlanta to Savannah.  Also, he boned your mom.

3.)  Bikers

As we've said before, we just don't want to get beaten up.

2.)  Lumberjacks

Axes and Chainsaws are terrible for trimming facial hair.  Trust me.  Hey, baby, wanna see my scar?

1.)  Rasputin

Rasputin is actually the King of every single one of the above categories.  I use the present tense here because I believe that Rasputin is still alive.  No, I don't think that he's somewhere hanging out with Elvis and Tupak.  I'm not stupid.  No, Rasputin was Elvis and Tupak.  Clever disguises for an insane Russian monk, you must admit.

Apparent Outliers:

Rather than the Honorable Mentions that we normally do, I'll clarify how certain groups and individuals that you might think don't neatly fall into these categories actually do.

Truckers:  Truckers are actually just Bikers with jobs.

Santa Claus: St. Nick is a Religious Fundamentalist in the Church of Cash.

Gnomes:  Also Religious Fundamentalists.  David the Gnome was nothing more than a platform for Wiccan Propaganda.

Jesus Christ:  He was a one-star General for the Union in the Civil War.

Crazed Hippies:  Insane.

Preston Mantooth:  He's actually an honorary member of ZZ Top.  And he cuts trees down quite often.  And he's homeless.  Which is why he cuts down all those trees.  He is not, contrary to many accusations, Rick Astley.

Castaways:  Clearly they are prisoners of their island.

Hermits:  Hermits are, as a general rule, insane.  If you're not insane when you go out into the woods to be alone and grow a beard, you are by the time it passes the two-inch mark.

Comments

[Television Spy]

I see no island castaways or hermits on the list, quite the shame.

[Broken Brain]

@Television Spy: Fair point. Now addressed on the post.

[pinstripe]

no Osama Bin Laden?
or the late Sadam Hussein?
hmm...

[Broken Brain]

@pinstripe: Bin Laden probably qualifies as a Religions Fundamentalist, and Hussein was insane.

[res]

What about youth's perpetual nemesis, Old Man Time?

[Said]

You forgot about philosophers. As long as they write grammatically they cannot be thought as crazy, and the great majority are not religious fundamentalists. Also, only a small portion are either homeless or prisoners during their beard-wielding years.

[tebor]

A man without a beard is no man at all. I am not a religious person but I understand that my beard makes me closer to God. Once you grow it, you know it. A long beard is nothing to be ashamed of. A shaven face is shameful.

Rasputin is not a group.
Neither are Saddam(he had a mustache anyway) or Osama.

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[Setsae]

I don't see Assyrians and Babylonians implemented on your list.
Yet, Mesopotamian civilization was the first of History to make it look fine instead of just let it grows like primitives did.
It was an attribute of male dignity as only young boys, eunuchs and foreigner were beardless within their societies.