The Ten Best New American Earth Day Traditions

---Broken Brain---

Earth Day is a sort of important holiday (I guess), and it gives many of us the urge to do something good for the environment, at least for a day.  The problem, though, is that Americans really aren't very good at the whole "environmentalism" thing.  In an effort to help out, we give you the Ten Best New American Earth Day Traditions.

11.)  Go hunting/fishing.

Get in touch with nature the way God intended: by dominating it.  Remember, we're natural omnivores, which means that living in harmony with the Earth demands that we hunt and kill our fellow inhabitants.

10.)  Hit the tanning bed.

If you're going to be communing with nature, you'll need a base tan.  Just be sure to wear lots of sunscreen.

9.)  Buy a big case of imported bottled water.

Is there anything more natural than drinking pure, clean water, the Wine of the Earth?  You don't want all of those nasty chemicals that they put in our crap, though, so you'll want to get it in a bottle, ripped fresh from the very ground at a spring on some God-forsaken island.

8.)  Host a barbecue.

The best way to get other people involved is to have food, so fire up your huge new charcoal grill and let's scorch some dead animal for Mother Earth!

7.)  Get a new bike.

Buying a new bike will make you feel like you're in much better shape, and that's what's important.  That old one obviously isn't good enough, because you never ride it.  Going out and buying a new one helps the economy, too!

6.)  Visit a strip club/brothel.

Nothing in the world says, "I appreciate the Earth" quite like a seventy-dollar handjob.  Plus, it's recycling!

5.)  Wear Fur.

Wear your opinions on your sleeve: let everyone know that you care about all the little animals by wearing them right on your body.  There's no way to be closer to our animal friends.  I especially recommend rabbit.

4.)  Pour out your gasoline.

After we invaded Iraq, we discovered that the very best way to destroy the French is to buy a bunch of their wine and pour it down sewers.  Do the same thing with the evil oil companies.  If we pour out enough of their devil product, they have to listen to us!

3.)  Punch a cop.*

2.)  Burn something you own that contains toxic chemicals.

You should be living more organically, and that means getting rid of all of those horrible toxic things in your home.  If you publicly burn your mattresses, clothes, cleaning products, and even tires, you'll be making a real, difference not only in your own home, but also in the rest of the world with the message you send about how serious you are about change.

1.)  Go for a long drive in nature.

Get back in touch with mother nature from the comfort of your own SUV.  Go driving in a National or State park.  If you're really serious about communing with the environment on this Earth Day, take a Hummer off-roading.  Maybe drag a trailer of ATVs behind it.  You'll be glad you did.

*Neither Broken Brain, Preston Mantooth, These Go To Eleven, or Creative Self-Loathing actually endorse acts of violence against agents of the Law.  Seriously.  They'll just shoot your ass.

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