The Ten Celebrities Whose Grotesque Visages I Would Most Like to Pummel

---Broken Brain---

Everyone hates celebrities.  It's replaced baseball as our national pastime, because it's way more fun.  Actually wanting to perpetrate violence on them, though, is a whole different thing.  These are the celebrities that I despise so viscerally that I think that I would actually kick their asses given half a chance.  Yeah, I've got issues.  I'm working on it.  So here are the ten celebrities whose faces I kinda wanna smash:

11.)  Donald Trump

The Donald?  No, thanks.  He's a hellova salesman, I'll give him that.  The way he talks, though, like he's the biggest man in the Universe?  He needs to drop a few notches, and I've got just the beer bottle for the job.

10.)  Quentin Tarantino

I don't so much want to punch Tarantino as slap his cocky ass around some.  He makes great movies, but he hasn't earned that level of arrogance, I think, and the Superman speech in Kill Bill vol. 2 was just ridiculous pomposity.

9.)  Steven Seagal

Would it be wrong to rip the ponytail off of his head?  I don't think so.  Not after On Deadly Ground.  Bonus:  "I kicked Seagal's ass in a bar in Tijuana?"  Potentially the funniest story ever.  Even funnier: "Steven Seagal kicked my ass in a bar in Tijuana."

8.)  "Chad"

How is "our spokesperson is a dipshit with a faux-hawk" supposed to make me want to use your cell service?  I don't get it.

7.)  Affleck

I actually really like Ben Affleck.  He's a good actor who chooses mostly good movies.  I suspect that he's a basically decent guy.  I think it's probably because he's so good at playing complete pricks that I just really want to get into a bar fight with him.  It helps that he's really big, which usually makes me more inclined toward violence.  Anyway, I bet he wouldn't mind that I want to get into a fight with him.

6.)  Larry the Cable Guy

This guy mostly just makes me sad.  Living in the South, though, you hear people shouting his imbecilic catch-phrases constantly.  Also, by calling what he does the "Blue Collar Comedy Tour," I sort of feel like he's calling all blue-collar folk idiots, because his comedy is so dumb.

5.)  Tom Brady/Matt Leinart

I can't really explain this one very well.  They're both overrated as QBs, sure, but they're also both quite good, and it's not their fault that sportscasters talk them up.  With Tom Brady I guess it's just that smirk on his face, and with Matt Leinart I just woke up one day after a nap hating him.

4.)  Bill O'Reilly/Sean Hannity/Ann Coulter

There are a slew of pathetic, vaguely evil right-wing stooges on the tube that I could go after on this.  Pretty much the entire staff of FNC.  These three aren't necessarily the worst of them (well, Hannity is), but these are the three that I think would put up the best fight after a few too many.  O'Reilly is wily, Hannity is a thick-necked rage-aholic, and that Coulter guy has reach, and he looks pretty wiry.  I'd love to get a chance to punch him in that absurdly huge Adam's Apple.

3.)  The Local Weatherman

In our case it's a douchebag named John Cessarich.  It doesn't really matter, though, I'm sure that you can probably imagine your own dickhead local weatherman in his place, being wailed on by me (or you).  Whenever I hear that he's doing a public appearance it's all I can do to not go and try to heckle him into taking a swing at me.  Is that wrong?

2.)  Dr. Phil

This twat gets to tell people what's wrong with them, and they actually listen?  Fuck that.  I once worked with a guy who flipped out on a customer that bought one of Dr. Phil's books, screaming, "I'm bald!  I'm angry!  I'll tell you you're an idiot!  Give me 28 bucks!"  I almost crapped my pants laughing.

1.)  Bill Belichick

Seriously, dude, if you don't take that fucking shred-sleeved hoodie off, I'm going to come up there and shove it down your cheating throat.

Note: Any "threats" made on this blog are purely for entertainment purposes.  I'm a lover, not a fighter.  Unless I'm drunk.  I limited this to the entertainment industry.  Sports, television, movies, that sort of thing.  I stayed away from criminals, Religious figures, and politicians, because that would make for a pretty boring list.  I also didn't include any of the "actors gone political" that everyone hates so much.  People bitch all the time about celebrities who have the audacity to speak their minds about politics, and I think that's bullshit.  They have less right to political opinion than some jackass on the street because they're famous?  Screw that, this is America, and everyone gets to spout off from the biggest soapbox they can carry.  Don't hate on people just because they're using their bigger platforms to voice their stupid opinions.

Honorable Mention:

Kevin Trudeau

Just one honorable this time, because, while there are others, Trudeau is such an unbelievable greaseball douche that he deserves to be on his own.  The only reason he's not number two on the list?  He's a criminal.  Seriously, go read this and this.

Comments

[Ann Coulter]

Up until now, I've been polite. But, if you say anything else about me - word one - I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds its destination, I will topple the master of that dark place. From my black throne, I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueled by my hatred for you this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and that one. When it begins, you will hear the sound of children screaming - as though from a great distance. A smoking orb of nothing will grow above your bed, and from it will emerge a thousand starving crows. As I slip through the widening maw in my new form, you will catch only a glimpse of my radiance before you are incinerated. Then, as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin. I will open one of my six mouths, and I will sing the song that ends this earth.

[Kevin Trudeau]

O dont worry about Ann i have a NATURAL CURE THAT "THEY" DONT WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT.

actually, nvm, fuck me.

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