These Go To Eleven

Ten Worst Fashion Abuses

---Broken Brain---

I am an amateur.  If you want top-tier douchebag lampooning, go read the works of DB1 at Hot Chicks with Douchebags.

That said, it seems to my beady little eyes that "fashion" is in a death-spiral.  It's like guys are running around trying as hard as they can to look like total cockswine.  I see people every day dressed in ways that are not OK, and here are the ten most not OK things of them all.

Ten Odd Facts I learned from Movies

---Broken Brain---

You can learn more from life from a single Die Hard movie than you can from an entire college semester.  You just have to know how to glean the information from the movies, how to analyze the patterns to find the Truth that lies below the explosions.  Physics, sociology, philosophy, math, it's all there.  You just have to be open to the wisdom of Action Movies.

Ten Things Even Your Lazy Ass Can Do To Save My Environment

---Broken Brain---

Ok, so I guess some people didn't get that my Earth Day post was a joke.  I can dig that.  Anyway, we've been working toward adding some posts of a (vaguely) more serious nature to the site, and since conservation is something that's often on my mind, I figured I'd start here.  Conservation doesn't have to mean sacrifice, at least not at first.  We're a ridiculously wasteful society (I include myself here), and we've got a lot of low-hanging fruit that we can go after to conserve energy just by thinking about it the right way, without spending a lot of extra money or even doing without.  Here are ten of those relatively easy things that you might not have considered, presented in a slightly more angry tone than might be strictly warranted.

The Ten Most Badass Movie Characters of the 1990's

---Broken Brain---

The nineties was a pretty good decade for me.  Sure, I spent most of it getting an idea of just how much joy the Universe would spend shitting on me in future years, but I hadn't yet learned how to give a damn about the future, so I had a great deal of fun.  I also spent it watching these guys and learning important life lessons.  Like how to fire a pistol when your trigger finger has just been torn off with a corkscrew.

The Ten Most Overrated Bands of All Time

---Broken Brain---

Your favorite band isn't as good as you think it is.  This is a fact.  It doesn't matter who you are, it's true.  My favorite band isn't as good as I imagine, either.  Everyone.  Some bands, for whatever reason, tend to garner lots and lots of people feeling this way about them.  It kind of collects until there's some sort of general (at least within a social class) consensus that this band is way, way better than they really are.  If it keeps up, it eventually gets to the point where this overrating is a living, breathing thing, a monster feeding on our lesser urges and undeserved acclaim via those terrible invasive radio waves.  Here are the ten worst cases.

Songs That Will Never Sound the Same: Movies Edition

(((Preston Mantooth)))

    Since the dawn of time itself, the use of the prewritten song has been a great way to not have to write an original film score (I'm looking at you Mr. Tarantino) , and sometimes there's a song that somebody else has already written that just fits a scene better than anything you could write. Some of these songs have completely lost their original sound, meaning, and/or feeling because of a movie they were in. It's not the movie's fault. Sometimes a song just gets ingrained into a scene so solidly it starts to belong to that movie and it can't be heard without reliving (much less thinking about) that particular movie.
    I tried to pick songs that it  seem like the mood or meaning has changed because of its use in a movie.  I also tried to use song that you might very well hear at random in public. Say for instance played over the radio, a "store radio",  used in a TV/Radio commercial, Etc.  and all you can do is stop listening while the cashier (or prostitute) tells you your credit card has been declined and yell at the top of you lungs PUUUDIN AH D RIZZZ!!! in the middle of a grocery store (or brothel) because you heard the song on the store's (they're both stores) radio, or you just look around and see if anyone else is cringing or rockin' the shit grin for the same reason you are.

 

 

The Ten Best Movies of 2007

---Broken Brain---

Iron Man came out this weekend.  This is probably the early beginning of the summer movie season, which means that it's time to look back on last year.  It's kind of like an awards show, only I choose movies that are actually good.  I'm a rebel that way.

Last year was a great one for movies; 2007 dropped some of the best movies of all time right on my face.  Which is good, because it kicked me in the nuts with some of the worst.  I mean, come on: black spooge from space is the Venom story you're using?  Pfft.

Fortunately, the following Top Ten Best Movies of 2007 is based on the best origin story ever: me writing it.  Admittedly, I haven't seen every movie that came out in 2007.  Not even close.  That doesn't matter.  I'm right, you're wrong (unless you agree), and these are the Ten Best Movies of 2007:

Warning:  Possible Spoilers ahead.  But they're for movies from last year, so it's totally OK.

The Ten Most Annoying People on the Internet

---Broken Brain---

Besides you, of course.  Unless you fall into one of these categories, which you probably do.  It seems more and more every day like damned near everyone on the internet is just around to piss me off.  You'll notice that a lot of these groups have equivalent groups in the real world (and on the Real World).  They are often even more annoying on the internet, though, because it's way harder to punch them.

The Ten Best New American Earth Day Traditions

---Broken Brain---

Earth Day is a sort of important holiday (I guess), and it gives many of us the urge to do something good for the environment, at least for a day.  The problem, though, is that Americans really aren't very good at the whole "environmentalism" thing.  In an effort to help out, we give you the Ten Best New American Earth Day Traditions.

The Only Ten Groups that are Allowed to Wear Beards Longer than Two Inches

---Broken Brain---

This is it.  All of them.  If you don't fall into one of these categories, and you're rocking the three-inch beard, you need to trim that shit.  Look, I know, it's painful to accept.  I once wore my beard down to mid-chest.  I thought that it was OK to do that.  I was wrong.  Dreadfully, painfully wrong, and so is your beard.  Go, deal with this now.  It'll be better this way, I promise.  We'll give you a moment alone with your gross-ass face-raccoon to say goodbye.  Then we're cutting it off like Kelsey Grammar right before he drives home.